Nobody being happy with me

He said it once and for all.
"I'm not happy with this"
Why?
Why?
He has the right to be not happy with my decision but why does he have to express it in order to hurt my feelings.
Or is it the other way, that is, I'm simply hurting myself with these feelings.

What can he do to worsen my situation?

He can use his power to make my life miserable by:
Manipulating my performance
Denying me opportunities to work
Denying me opportunities to get a good job
and so on.

But is that all? No, he can do more.
I feel the pain.

Should I expect everyone to love me, because I feel that I'm a good guy- No
Should I expect that no one should be angry with me as I'm a nice guy - No

What should I do then

Just close your eyes and your ears
Take a deep breath
Realize the fact that you are on your own with your beliefs, your values and your attitude & you function in your own manner

Just say this aloud to your self "I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE","I DON'T CARE"
until you feel alright.

The Shepard who took me down

It was just another occasion of compulsory attendance. I really wanted to be out of the loop. The reason was simple from my point of view - I had my share of responsibilities to meet. But when I met the authorities for exemption, they took my case with extreme prejudice as if my intentions had no value attached. Finally they gave me the exemption but made me feel really bad about it. So bad that I wanted to commit Seppuku just right there.
My mind was cluttered by the words of the Shepard,who led them. My actions had turned out to be real reactionary ones and that too against me. His words still haunt me and I feel they are suffocating me giving me no hope for the time to come.
I hope to survive this debacle but can I make it. This question will pester me atleast for next few days. I have to do something about it.I do, yes I do.

Mecathusra 1

"It was never worth it"
"I know"
"But u still did it"
"Yes, I had to do it"
"Why"
"I don't know and don't want to know"
"Its really silly of u"
"Yes, that is why we are still talking"
"Ok, then lets stop it"

Taking down the Alsatian

Exams were over and the new term is up.
Still the Alsatian stuck in my throat keeps on barking and barking. It keeps on pestering me at night. I have tried everything - intoxicating cough syrups to irritating ayurvedic powder. Nothing has worked yet.
Is it that the dog keeps on barking or is it that I am awake even at two o'clock in the midnight blogging about it that makes it bark. I don't know,I would not know and I would never want to know.
The more irritating it gets, the more I become Sleepless in Seattle, but there is neither Tom Hanks nor Meg Ryan. It is just me....here....alone....
I hope my days with the Alsatian would be just another AFFAIR TO REMEMBER. Probably an affair with no regrets.

Our seniors

From day uno onwards, they have been out there like the US and the Soviet, eagerly waiting for a new follower from the new batch.They are just waiting there to catch hold of us and crush us with "extreme prejudice".

Some may have succeeded, but so many have failed to secure any tail for wagging.

It all comes to ego - ONE BIG EGO that continues to bug each and every one of those seniors. (Thanks Guy Ritche for REVOLVER)

None of them is a saint but all are sinners, filled with nothing less than their selfish desires to keep themselves above others and to just LIVE in their on MANNER.

When u pass them by you can feel the air of anger and disappointment that tries to invade your breath and even try to poison your airs. U are made to do the same to your juniors by the same airs. GOD forbid, I may turn into one of those Zombies feeding in the flesh of the juniors.

Even the Freshers Day didn't make any difference and nothing ever will make the difference.

It will always be like a Indian family - the daughter-in-law will become the daughter and her mother-in-law will never become the mother for her..

The Bourgeois stays exploiting and the Proletariat stays being exploited.
A GRAND RED SALUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A story without a beginning

It has been about three months since St.Loyola became my patron saint. Here I am trying to re-evaluate the equation of my life. In this atmosphere of absolute vacuum, I do feel the longing for the comfort of my couch back at home. Still I feel the breeze of motivation, not while in the classes of LIBA but while walking through its buzzling corridors. More than the noises of the crowd that fills its classes what remains inside me is the silence of those classrooms when the classes are over.

I'm not here to be a rat, b'coz I've toiled enough to reach here. I'm frustrated and I don't want my frustrations to eat me up. So I hope to make others frustrated at me.

Anyone can find me, if the person wants. I'm not a ghost or a shadow but I'm a normal human being. The only thing is finding me is not worth it.

Ciao on the eve of my ORD exam with a FULL METAL JACKET salute.....

Preying on my soul

Life in its ever disgusting form seems to surround me providing me not even a single hope for survival and redemption. It seems I am being denied the fundamental right to escape from this complex world by death. The very existence of my soul within my complex physical self seems to be a distant possibility even though it has its own share of fundamental significance in my ordinary life.
My survival seems to be aimed at seeing my future just for some personal satisfaction. Alone and alone, which seems to be the motto of my life irrespective of the benefits and losses I may have incurred in my life.
Only a distant hope of survival remains for me with the world consuming into my soul, thus taking up the role of a predator irrespective of the other significant roles it could have played in my life.

Awaiting the executioner…….

When it comes to movies, the ones which have the issue of capital punishment spread across its whole theme impresses me the most. The movies like Tom Hanks’ “Green Mile”, Sharon Stones’ “The Last Dance” and Sean Penn’s “Dead Man Walking” are just a few films that I can recall from this group. What makes this group so special is the dilemma faced by the executioner which is the state and the convict when both face the question of life and death together. In most of these movies the fate of the convict may be totally sealed because of the nature of the crime that he may have committed, but till the last moment in these movies the fight for the convict’s life is maintained thus making the whole affair thrilling enough.
Whenever I watch such movies I try to imagine how I would be spending my days if I were to be sentenced for capital punishment. The element of introvertedness in me would compel me to seek joy in those narrow confines of the prison. I would always dare to imagine what I would be doing to spend such limited expanse of time permitted to me.
May be my imagination is an over-estimation of my ability to withstand loneliness. I may turn into utter madness while serving in the isolation of the prison. I could turn out to be a feeble creature inside the trap set in by my fate and thus could get lost in the whole expanse of time and space.
Why would I want to take upon such a fate, I don’t know. I could be the temptation of isolation and freedom of mind. It could be a sort of happiness about the certainty of future bestowed by the certainty of impending death.
Hardly can I get the lust of death out of my mind and hardly do I hope that I would have an untimely death. The more I fall in love with my death the more confident I get that I would die only in my oldage.

NOTES OF INTROVERTEDNESS: THE NEW PERSON

He unlocked the lock and waited for some moments after removing the lock from its position. Then he gently opened the door by pushing it forward so that it made a quite rotation about its hinge point. He again waited for a few seconds hoping to find some surprise inside, without entering that room. But he was sure to find none as a he stayed alone in that rented single-room.
On entering he found the same stench smell that had conquered the room since time immemorial. He was suddenly reminded of the pathetic situation in which his own state was in. haunted by epidemic deaths and natural disasters, it was as if the hell was suddenly transferred to earth. After all ones hell and heaven are in ones own heart.
After changing his clothes and taking a comfortable posture of sitting on his not-so-comfortable chair, he spent a few moments to ponder over his one-more boring day at the college. He never wanted to be there, but choices are sometimes made from a bunch of odd choices. This lets you to choose a bad choice from a puddle of worst choices. So it zeroes into better than the worst choice possible.
Silence has always been his best company in that lodging. Without interacting with the neighbors, he had isolated himself to create a world of his own. As he had reached the last year in the college, his remained exceptional from others by being a non-smoker and a non-drinker, even though he was just an average student and a perfect introvert in the college. He lodgings were outside the campus, thus he had kept himself devoid of any sort of company with his classmates even after the class hours. The guys next door either belonged to the same year but a different branch or were his juniors. Their rustles and bustles often gave him sleepless nights, but he ever stayed uncomplaining and calm.
In the world he had created, he had formed an ideal duplicate image of the real world, but there he had set the boundaries by power of politics, psychology, anthropology, economics and every other known subject that dealt with human behaviour. His world was concentrated on unknown subjects, which indirectly controlled the lives of millions of people in the real world. Even though with these whole ideas, he could have well been classified as “another introvert-conspiracy theorist trying to see things from a different angle, but not in the right one”.
He knew that the real world was not about what one believed in and how one thought, but everything was about how and when one acts. For him, the real world was a conflict between the powerful and powerless. Everyday some powerless person attempts to become powerful, for his own goodness. If he succeeds, he joins the powerful lot or else he falls back into the gutters of powerless losers. But the nature always keeps its balance. When one more powerful entity is created, one more powerless entity is also generated. One powerful soul attempts to change the whole system, trying to make a difference, a confused soul betrays the other powerful lot. But the powerful is not going to withstand this betrayal. They betray him, to render him powerless with a fall so gigantic that a return to the altar of power becomes totally impossible for him. No one dares to help him out unless his deeds bail him out.
The two classes separated by the indelible corridor of power ran his world. Whether it is local, regional, national or international scenarios, all were the same for him. It was, is and will be power that dictates the course of his world. Only it matters now power is defined. All through his life, it was might, charms and grades that defined power, whether it was his school or college or his family. Unlike many other young frustrated souls around him, he knew he could make a difference and there was always a path to that goal. A path that has stayed hidden from him until he is up to knight out that route. He believes that everyone has such a path before his eyes, but it takes time before he realizes the path and its significance. But time is not handy and by the time the person realizes his route to redemption he may be already inside his tomb, taking a good long sleep before God knows what may happen.
He always believed in God. Capital “G” indicates the significance of the entity to which he has always dedicated that title. Even though he was a man of science and a student of technology he believed in the existence of a supreme being as his study of the complexity of man-made objects has always made him realize the multitude of complexity of man. It has always been a controversial topic. He never debated with anyone on such topics, because such a debate could sometimes make you a winner but it could also add a bad enemy or subtract a good friend. He has seen the extreme left and the extreme right on topics of wide range, but he has always kept to his unbreakable code of integrity and self-consciousness.

REJUVENATE

The certain power of rejuvenation that spurts out of an incandescent youth is sufficient to fill the whole universe with a spotless imagery of the hope for a positive future. It creates a relentless mind set among the living population on the plant to conspire for a popular feeling of utopian well being regardless of the demerits and challenges that such a system could face. Such contributions can overwhelmingly produce drastic consequences over a larger state of affairs thus under estimating the negative effects produced by individual elements and their subsistent elements. Often such effects do not take place owing to the general theorem of thermodynamics that the randomness or entropy of the universe is increasing and the whole universe may tend to a collapse with the entropy attaining an infinite value. Demeaning effects and its variants have been having meaningful significance in the present day world owing to the unredeemable stature of the whole world and its depending factors. Often it’s not the individual who affects the whole world as viewed in many cases but it is the whole system that pushes individuals to take drastic measures which provide for drastic consequences throughout the world and thus creating a whole chain of affairs as per the theorem of unintended consequences. It is wholly a subjective affair when it comes to world affairs and its least and objective affair due to the simultaneous occurrence of vents which has unintended consequences on the pattern of the creation, growth and death of any concept or organization.
Alas, alas it is just a virtue of time that we do often tend to find fault with the system when every individual can in a suggestive manner turn things around in such a manner that the very basis of human understanding can be changed for a common human well being. Often these ideologies are sacrificed for personal egos and comforts and thus result in large scale destruction humanitarianism and thus the basic belief of sustenance. Why, why is an interesting question with no answer and which brings only disappointment to our hearts in any situation. Often tormented souls set themselves on a path to answer these questions and end up in some placid locations on this earth, isolating their over conscious self from the inconvenient realities of the day today world. Such acts do not reach to the depths of the individual if the person does not return to the real world with the rejuvenated self to rekindle the hopes of the hopes of many, who may depend directly or indirectly on him.
Such rejuvenation is a right of every soul and is exercised in a rightful manner by all living organisms on earth except by human beings owing to their extra societal system of existence in comparison to other social animals. Rejuvenation is like an oasis in the middle of sun scorched desert and the being subjecting to such an act is humbly submitting the soul for a spiritual overhaul. The taste of such rejuvenation is like a taking a sip of one and half century wine. Oh what a taste would it offer you! Such imaginative expressions of the power of rejuvenation only produce its underestimated image. It’s better to avoid any mimicking of rejuvenation as it could leave a really dampened soul and personality and thus blurring the individual’s attitude towards everything and anything. Better take the best wine or throw away the cheap one for it destroys your taste aw well as your interest in it. Rejuvenate your souls for it’s the right choice.

My feelings

When my heart feels the wrath of my own actions, it is hard to bear the pain that is caused by shear neglect for the ones own spiritual sustenance. It is, however, hard for every single individual to bear the guilt of the unalterable consequences that comes along with the multitude of actions that he undertakes in his daily life. It’s always hard one everyone.
When the unaccountability of our actions reflects the grimness of our future, we resort to be hard on ourselves by sticking into an unknown pantheon of hate, frustration and guilt. Often our soul is lost in this futile effort and this engrosses us with none other than the unrecoverable nature in us.
We hate to see ourselves fall and to prevent this we take measures that finally culminate in our fall from havens of our own ego and prejudices and are often thrown into hells of our own guilt and contempt for life. It is hard as we can never substitute such a fate with anything else for these are unavoidable courses in the path of life where we often become our own pathfinders with no other hope to re-emulate our soul from the gallows of riddance.
In this world there is no dearth of sound. Even in a quiet room one can feel the movement of air around him, or even it’s buzzing against his ears. Often it’s the vacuum that can contribute the utmost silence that one can achieve with the least of the work done.
In spiritual terms this silence can be achieved just by strengthening the power of concentration that is hidden in each one of us. It’s only a matter of time, that is, how much time will be taken to strengthen this lethal weapon that remains unused and unexploited in every one of us. This concentration is generally the result of altering ones magnetic field if one has to judge it in terms of meta-physical theories. Such an alternation demands a higher use of ones will power to subdue all worldly pleasures and thus making his magnetic field invulnerable to other magnetic poles and concentrating it into himself.
The spirit of propelling ones self to attain some self laid positive goals is always an interesting deed, as it can often turn a clumsy mind to a spirited one. Clumsiness of mind can fuel harmful ideas in it, like suicide, anti-social behaviour, etc. Peeping toms, Ripper jacks and Ted Bundy are all the effect of mental clumsiness.
Beyond a sphere of our knowledge we cannot exert ourselves to change our self. It is the result of the clout of ignorance that surrounds us. This blanket of ignorance divides our self from our mind, thus we loose the chance to use our rational thinking to understand our self in a better manner than in which we usually do. The thickness of this blanket is dependent on the level of enlightenment that one receives by birth and one acquires throughout his life.
What are we afraid of- that may appear to be a senseless question in the modern day of the modern man, because we are afraid of everything and anything that goes against our will and planning. We classify such events as failures and we are not often experienced with keeping a contingency plan for such occurrences. Such is our over confidence on our fates. The fear of loss often crumbles our range of thought and leaves us with none other than a weak heart which seems to be so fragile that it fails even with the slightest amount of tension or pressure of our surroundings.
Why, why, why me- that is a recurring question that we may ask ourselves on a variety of occasions when faced with an unfavourable situation whose magnitude we may not have ever assumed to exist.
The phase through which one has to pass through after being faced with failure is a real tough one and when your failure is for the first time, it becomes tougher, tough than ever. You feel like bursting out with a flash shed of tears but you may sometimes feel a numbness that contains your emotions within a limited enclosure. Often one wonders why this happened and treats oneself the sole responsible for the event, which may of course be treated as unfortunate. While analyzing the causes of the downfall, one cannot properly perceive the causes in its fullest extent. But a contained vision of the failure and its causes is possible keeping in terms with the beliefs and philosophy with which the person may have acquainted him. For one thing us certain, in the heart of hearts he would always feel the pain of the failure unless something worthwhile compensates the loss. Even in an uncorrupted world failures do take its course. In our world we use the words of luck or fate to supply enough reasons to compensate for the loss. Often we forget that the more lies we feed into our minds, more delicate it gets. We cannot keep the entire story of the failure away from minds and souls hoping that I would change. We have to realize the depth of irresponsibility that had infiltrated into ourselves and had precipitated out as failure.
Such situations would be like a micro scale being exposed to a nano scale. Such situations leaves the individual to search for an answer to the why part and this leaves him to a junction where it is upto him to choose the path with or without any guidelines or role models or experiences.
One road leads him to develop an optimistic trust on life without the clout of any belief system to support it .The other road leads to understanding the real truth which is the fact that every thing just happened in a random manner such that its responsibility for occurrences lies on no one. Another road leads him to the various belief systems which teach about good, bad, blessings and punishments. Another road leads him to a place from where no one has ever come back, suicide.
The most conscious way of achieving a definite outlook to ones life lies in realizing the definite pattern in which it moves about. Life may be described as a pattern following a sinusoidal path to erect itself on the plane of survival. The total distance taken by the beacon may be infinity as life does not depend on its physical entity. There lay the spheres of its spirituality and metaphysics. Often we shift ourselves over different realms in the physical self. But a true conscious realization is required to enable the mind to shift towards the spiritual self.
My therapist once said to me about the insignificance of concentrating one the spiritual side of a person. But a prolonged analysis of that ideology made me get a realization that he was wrong. As long as survival is limited by the boundaries of physical self we constrain the ideas that signify the emergent effect of our spirituality. Only a spiritual persona can yearn for a psychological maturity beyond the purview of the biggest genius of the day.
Generally it is taken for granted when we find ourselves in troublesome situations. When we analyze our problems from their physical purview we often fail to draw any conclusions. But when we step out of those boundaries, erected even without our knowledge, we are able to draw out of the box conclusions that energize ourselves in many ways. This may be characterized as the spiritual manner of living life.
It is often what we adopt from our parents that cement our lives to form a well rooted structure. Whatever we adopt from those with whom we do not attach primarily have the same consequences as the relationships may be.
The ability of the human soul to annihilate the inner evil is beyond any comprehendible ideology. The fall of human soul from the Garden of Eden has been the turning point in the basic concept of Christian philosophy. The distinction between the good and evil has been the inevitable concept that has revolutionized the basic human thinking pattern. Generations have tried o interpret the basic idea of the good and the evil in their own ways, according to their whims and fancies. But these definitions have been subject to alteration in the same generation itself or in the acceding generations.
Fortunate are those who have survived the world of interpretations with their own interpretations. But the lives of the many who have struggled to keep themselves alive in that world can be seen only from a pathetic view. Good-evil interpretations have been the milestones in the time line of human civilization. As far as anyone can recall, we still believe in categorizing human activities as good and bad as 1 and 0. It has been the concept of presence and absence that has been the center of most admiration.
Why did I become so spiritually conscious person, I don’t now the answer. May be it lies in the past or in the future, one may never know. When one looses the thrill of life, it often provokes him to wind everything up. Winding up of relationships, emotions and activities are only some of the consequences of the bewilderment of a human self under the stress of spiritual reorganization. Often the perfect solution for such instances is nothing less than a complete detachment from the wild crowd of uncomfortable surroundings. The travel into the serenity of loneliness along with the acquaintance of the nature often provides comforts to the bewildered souls. When the feeling of vacuum or meaninglessness is accompanied by the tenderness of age, it would be like opening up the dam shutters on the most rainy day, thus would provide drastic consequences. When rivers run into deserts either they dry up or they change the desert, likewise the consequences can be positive or ‘negative’. Often spiritual awakening leads to the ‘negative’ side where detachment from reality and responsibilities form the direct consequences thus leaving a real question on the future of the person as a whole. The positive side often consists of a refined personality being formed with a spirit to triumph over any form of difficult, even when it threatens to uproot the very existence of the person.
In the modern era of conflicts and confluence, only the survival is the main question. The values that need to accompany the life are not significant. The basic fact that life need to grow while it survives and the nourishment is derived from the values or principles attached to it is often forgotten or becomes a foregone conclusion. Everything is taken for granted in a fast moving world. No one has time to stand for a moment and to ponder over the sanity of an action and its consequences. The truth is there is no time even when the tide of time is moving around. This leads to direct application of the theory of unintended consequences. We take actions for satisfying our ends and these actions not only solve our problems but also create new problems of even more challenging nature. It thus evolves and evolves in randomness to form a pattern. We move on solving each problem after another. But what we need to do is go back, that is to go back to the source and provide a befitting solution with reference to the original problem. Thus taking a few moments to look back can really change the present as well as ones future. Meaningless it may sound these efforts to be to everyone, but the simplicity in its beginning and the complexity in its end are all the result of ones viewpoint.
We all have our viewpoints. Either these are inherited or formed from the surroundings form experience. What are these viewpoints worth of, one doesn’t know. But at every point of life, these viewpoints influence every decision taken even for the smallest step. Stripping ones self off these viewpoints is something next to impossible. When these viewpoints make a person orthodox, it becomes his prejudice and further more his ego. Nothing can be the resulted by a viewpoint which hinders the progress of the person by feeding his brain with wrong notions and unbefitting decisions. Viewpoints formed other than by logic are the result of passion and emotions. When logical conclusions are replaced by the emotions dire consequences are effected upon. In tight situations when brain does not make the decision and it is left upon to the heart to make the decision, the decision would prove often to hinder or destroy his progress.
What could be the progress of a person? The concept of progress has been widely debated at various moments in a person’s life with the dial moving either to the materialistic part or spiritual part. The only conclusion for such a debate is simple, “it depends”. Yes, it depends on the phase of life in which the person finds himself. When he may a big success or a big loser, growth to him is spiritual and when he is in the mean phase, growth is defined by him as materialistic. A time dependent variable, a definition suited for growth from a mathematical viewpoint.
Frustrated am I, not because of what has happened to me but because of how it has happened to me. Everything has happened in an unexpected manner leaving to the question of why it has happened to me. It is another question to the series of countless questions that govern the functioning of the basic form of life in this universe. Highly congested is the feeling that my soul id subjected to due to the irreversible stance of my life. The more corrective measures that I would like to implement in my life, the more complicated does my life become without leaving any stance for a reformation process for my life, thus the only comment remains is what a regretful life! Highly unquestionable is the course of life as it mutates and mutates to provide highly adverse consequences to the whole efforts in life. The act of reasoning out the problem is next to impossible because of the randomness of events. If this randomness can evolve to form a confident pattern of life, then life could to be lead to as more or less predictable. The real effect of a predictable life form is purely outside the basic realm of understanding. The question why, why, why continues to haunt the brittle mind of mine, forcing me to cry out to the open winds and the seasonal changes to carry my pains away from me to places where I would not ever visit. I don not know the consequences of my action in my life but am left to be sure that the consequences are following the basic principles of unintended consequences. These events leave me frustrated about the final feat of my life. Whether my life would revolve around a fixed point or would it move about the various realms of life to evolve as a enhanced self is a big mystery to me. While penning these words, tears roll out of my eyes bearing the pain of my soul in its failure to attain the solemn level of self saturation and primitive states of worldly success which is coveted by every soul that have had its creation and destruction on this world sphere. I cry for me and for my failures. Let the uncouth soul be chained inside me till it finds a solution to relive me from the perils of my life.

Zenith of my pains

At the zenith of my pains, I have started to realize the dawn of a new self in me. The desperate pain in my heart is caused due to the nearing bereavement from my institution after four years, which is nothing but the fundamental consequence of institutionalization. The possibility of loosing some good ties that has its roots in this institution also makes me worry. But of all it is the losses that I had in this campus that makes the situation more painful.
The losses may be of the most importance than the gains. Of all losses, the most one is I have my character and have ended up loosing my all confidence and my goals and my views of the future. My ambitions, which were nourished and watered by myself and by those who had depended on me, were crushed by the unknown entity that had conspired through various mediums to ensure the brutal destruction. Thus I was left with nothing by an utter realization that the complete failure was not the ultimate painful experience. The realization of the various levels of insubordination, insults and deprivation of opportunities has made me believe that all those years of pain and efforts that I had taken up in reaching in reaching this position has been in vain. A major part of my life has thus been wasted. Now what is a definite question that needs a definite answer. But can I find an answer for it, I don’t know.
Left behind are some of the most brutal memories, memories that have influenced and changed everything in me. My likes, dislikes, habits, hobbies and so on, have been altered in these four years. Oh oh oh I don’t know whether to cry over the lost opportunities and the stolen chances. Can I be strong again…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….


Only time will tell. So I have to stay till it passes by. Waiting not knowing whether it will be a gentle breeze or a sandstorm that may cover up the entire path that lies to be trodden and the path that has been so far trodden. What a pity!!!!!!!!!!!

At the station

There he stood stranded, bearing the feeling as if he had been there just like that for several ages. He did not knew what to do waiting there so long. But he knew he had to wait there for her, not knowing whether she would turn up. It had been almost an hour or so, still neither did he loose his nerve nor did she turn up. The buzzing crowd passing by him was capable of reminding him that he was standing by himself at a railway station. Crowded trains arrived and departed, making no effort to control the crowd over the platform. Even when he found all these normal he wondered whether he would see her before he had to depart off. Minutes passed like ages, reminding him of those boring classes which he shared with her during their college days. But then he used to be content of the fact that she would be there for him at the end of those classes. He did not know what to hope now. A bit of hope and a bit of despair were getting mixed up inside him to form a perfect mix which could change him altogether. He checked his watch; it was half past three o’clock in the evening. He still had a couple of hours before his train had arrived at the station. Hoping against all hopes he waited there like a piece of rock waiting for several ages for the master sculptor to carve out the perfect statue from it.
He stood there cherishing the sweet memories of her. He couldn’t forget how they met each other at the college in the class. He missed those moments when she had passed by him not even noticing him and even when she knew he had a deep crush on her from the first sight. He found it very difficult to understand why it had taken him nearly a year to propose to her even after they had been close together in the same group for several collegial activities. He was left sleepless when she had left him with giving any answer all of a sudden. He made all attempts to contact her, but all ending in failure. But his last effort seemed to him as if had carried him message to her. By the time he had ensured that his message was delivered to her, it was his turn to leave for his college days were over and he had several jobs to take up. All this left him in a deep despair.
He made sure that she was informed of his departure so that she may come to met him at least in the last hour. He waited at the station and time seemed to be the only changing thing. The announcement for his train was made and within a couple of minutes the train had arrived. Before he boarded the train he took a quick look around but was disappointed not to find his secret love. With a bleeding heart he boarded the train with his luggage. After a minute, the train departed from the station. But this time, it had left almost the whole station half –empty.
After the train had left, she rose from the cushioned chair behind the young man who had been her point of interest since he had arrived at the station. She had been looking at him since he had entered the station. But she could go up to him and say the answer for his question. After the train had left the station, she left her comfortable chair and left the station for the nearby bar for a short drink. While she left the station, she kept asking herself why she did not answer his question. That left her brooding for the rest of her life.

Abstractness

My basic instinct compels me to deny everything that has so far defined me. My mannerisms and my behaviour have become so much a part of me that I have become very predictable in any scenario. That is a situation that you would never like even your worst enemy to have. The contradictions of your beliefs and your acts through which you constantly subject yourself through make such a vulnerable piece of living organism out of you that you would often find it amazing to trust upon the existence of such an organism. Compelling are those tyrannical situations through which you pass through in an attempt of seeking a highly rewarding goal that you often fail to understand the underlying meaning of those situations. Only seldom do we react in a different manner than expected to tyrannical situations that we often fall prey to our own vicious aims and objectives. The reason for such hazardous mannerisms is often beyond any conception limit of human mind. Such high level reasons often forces anyone and everyone to abandon any effort to pursue the reason for specific human activities except for once in a while when all other activities seem fruitless.Dryness of mind is often another succumbing disaster to humanity.
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